Marica’s Meanderings

I don’t believe one grows older. I think that what happens early on in life is that at a certain age one stands still and stagnates. — T.S. Eliot

I am trying to make a decision at the moment about my future – a change of direction which will involve more study but get me closer to my passion, to where I’ve always wanted to be.

The problem is if I follow this path I won’t necessarily be better off financially – in fact, in many respects I’ll probably take quite a dive in salary unless I am very creative about how I utilise my newly acquired skills in conjunction with my current skills.

“There must be a way to make this work – there must be,” I keep telling myself.

In many respects by going forwards I will be going backwards. Or is it that I am going back to the point where I had to make a decision to go down a different path because of circumstances at that time and now it is time to re-visit what it was I really wanted to be doing. However, it is hard to let go of what you’ve worked so hard for to go back to having a lot less – but less of what? Why am I letting the dollar rule me so?

As I continue to weigh up the pros and cons of whether I am going to apply for what I am thinking about doing I have realised that my decision making process is taking place within the mindset that time is running out for me. I think I’m too old – too old to take a risk, to make a change, to follow my heart and see where it leads me. I need to trust and believe that it will all work out but a huge part of me is scared.

“I don’t have many years left.” Well, that’s what I’m telling myself. I see all around me the attitudes of younger people to older people, and by “older” I am talking about anyone in their 50s upwards. There is an intolerance that really makes me uneasy. It is the assumption that we are ‘old’, past our use-by date somehow and not up with the times – to be tolerated but not considered. Sadly, I am taking these messages on-board and allowing them to put pressure on myself.

“Just keep going as you are and let your dreams go. Make new dreams.” I keep telling myself.

“Why should I?” says another part of me – the part of me I love, the feisty get up and go me. “I want something different. It won’t come to me – I have to make it happen.”

“You have responsibilities Marica. Remember you started late, you still have a lot of catching up to do,” says that omnipresent nagging voice.

This backwards and forwards rhetoric is driving me crazy. I want to do the right thing but what is the right thing. I want more time in my day to do everything I want to do. How do I make it work? What am I going to do?

A Facebook friend posted this fantastic video today. It reminded me that there is still a lot of life left in me – a lot of life to be lived. Why am I limiting my thinking so? I want to be drumming at 91 so here goes … watch this space!

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