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What do you want?


Something drew me to my blog today. Perhaps it was procrastination. I’d like to think it was something far greater. Perhaps an inner stirring that I could no longer ignore. Or maybe a need to come home to a place where I feel free to explore, share and engage. The one thing I do know is that today I have a need to re-connect with my blog, my writing, with all you special people who take the time to read what I share and most importantly I need to connect with myself and what I want for me.

As I clicked on the quick link I have set-up on my browser toolbar it dawned on me that it had been a while since I have been here. My last post was written almost a year ago. I was surprised. Where has this year gone?

I also discovered that I had received some comments on previous blog postings that I had somehow missed. One of these in particular deserved a response. The comment was in relation to my post Into the future. It was written by Meliko (Melanie Wood) back in November 2010 and it read:

It’s a year later. What did you decide to do? Did you take the study route? Or are you still deciding…?

I am now, one year later, in your very shoes.

What did I decide? What has happened in this last year? Am I any different? Have I made a difference of any kind? More importantly am I any closer to being able to be who I really want to be?

Before I respond to Melanie’s, and my own questions, I wanted to share something else that happened to me this morning. My mentor, a wonderful Wellington artist named Fleur Wickes, posted on Facebook a link to a TED talk by Caroline Casey. As I watched and listened I could feel the turbulence of emotional stirring and connection to what I was hearing. The tears flowed freely. Only last night I had been discussing with Fleur during a mentoring session my new project which is directly linked to living with a disability. Then this morning I had made some decisions about how I was going to progress this even further. Various bits and pieces started falling into place only I have no idea how I was going to make this all a reality.

After watching this talk I am more convinced than ever that I am meant to pursue the path I am currently on. The synchronicity of the universe never disappoints. As Caroline says in her powerful talk:

When you make a decision at the right place, at the right time, the universe makes it happen for you.

I want to believe this with my whole heart.

I believe that many of us live with an unrecognised disability – one where we struggle to believe in ourselves and where we actively stop ourselves from doing what we want because we convince ourselves that its not possible for one reason or another.

Let’s change this.

We can do this.

As Caroline says at the end of her talk:

I have learned, you know what, cars and motorbikes and elephants, that’s not freedom. Being absolutely true to yourself, is freedom. And I never needed eyes to see – never. I simply needed vision and belief. And if you truly believe – and I mean believe from the bottom of your heart – you can make change happen. And we need to make it happen, because every single one of us – woman, man, gay, straight, disabled, perfect, normal, whatever – everyone of us must be the very best of ourselves. I no longer want anybody to be invisible. We all have to be included. And stop with the labels, the limiting – losing of labels. Because we are not jam jars; we are extraordinary, different, wonderful people.

So here’s what I’ve been up to. This is my ongoing attempt to be the very best I can be and to bring about the changes I desire in my life.

Since I last wrote here I have exhibited six of my photos in an exhibition. I am continuing to pursue photography and a number of other art forms that I love. I took the plunge and applied for the Masters in Arts Therapy programme. I was offered one of the five places available and was supposed to start the programme in July last year. However, I deferred my start until February this year so I could take a long planned five week trip to the UK to be with my daughter. My programme of study requires me to travel to Auckland once a month for an intensive face-to-face seminar weekend. The rest of the study programme occurs at distance. Time management and being organised have become an absolute priority in my life.

Not only am I studying full-time but I am also still working full-time. At the same time as I began my masters programme I was experiencing a review and re-structure of my day job. My job was dis-established and I ended up applying for another position in the new team. I was successful with this application and now I have a new job as well that requires me to put together a new team that I will be managing as we try to deliver a rather large programme of work.

To tell you the truth I don’t know how I am going to manage everything because I still have a lot of other personal responsibilities in relation to caring for my son and my ageing parents. Yet, slowly but surely, bit by bit, I get things done. I tick items off the lists that adorn my study walls and I keep thinking about the vision. I believe it will all work out because I know I am working towards the ultimate goal of doing what I want to be doing. I have no idea what that looks like exactly and that doesn’t matter. I do know how it feels. I am scared – and excited – and I question my sanity and my decisions. This is all part of the process. My life and study commitments mean that I live in a somewhat bizarre permanent juggling act. This is who I am. This is what I want. This is my life and it has been this way for a long time. I have to keep pushing to make my life what I want it to be. This involves determination and action. Nothing will happen if I sit around waiting for it or wishing for it. I have to do something.

It feels right.

May my life continue to be blessed so I can continue working  towards becoming the best I can be. That old self-critic needs to be put in its place. Marica knows what she wants. She is working on bringing life to her vision.

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